Please Forgive Me.

Please forgive me

If I act a little strange

Music is a large part of a journey alone, any journey, the chance to put on your headphones and watch the time go by as those around you chatter in a language you don’t yet understand, in this case, traveling through the Cambodian countryside on a bus — the only Westerner paying $13 to go from Ho Chi Minh City to Phnom Penh at 7:00 am.

For I know not what I do

It feels like lighting running through my veins

The music is playing as the miles go by, across the border and into Cambodia. The music plays even right now when we are paying $3 each to the police to get around some traffic. The songs echo as we are stuck hours, three then four, waiting for our spot on the ferry.

Every time I look at you

Every time I look at you

Here, in the traffic, at the back of the bus, this David Gray song – the story of love, of being perfectly enchanted with a woman, lyrics and melody of the moment when you gaze at her, when your eyes lock and the world around you doesn’t just stop, that is far too simple language for what happens you see. For what the world does, is it disappears, and fades from view first at the edges like an old photograph and then it is gone, complete. The guitar and the piano and the singing speaks of then, of love incarnate, love perfect, when there is the two of you, and only you, of when everything else is quiet, gone, hushed, black. I remember where we were.

Help me out here

My words are falling short

I have written love letters, love poems, texts, emails, sent packages, flowers more; I have pursued and been pursued all in quest of that moment I have known once. Now I realize that it is something that can’t be created, flowered, or manufactured. It is not something you can wish for, hope for, get back when it goes, you can’t take two people, any two people, no matter how perfect they are on paper for each other, and say here you are – make that happen. You can’t. You’d have more luck turning iron into gold, of riding a unicorn, of uncovering chests of gold of faraway beaches, of walking on the moon.

There’s so much I want to say

Want to tell you just how good it feels

It is the moment of perfect equality between man and woman. Neither party is the hunter or the hunted, no one is chasing, no one is running away, there are no games to play. It’s the absolute triumph of yes, the definition of complete, the reason you go on dates, read books, write those letters, gaze at stars, go to astrologists, sign up online, go the gym, eat better, wonder what to wear, it’s the singular moment of we, the chance coincidence that defines you and her.

When you look at me that way

When you look at me that way

It’s what happens when suddenly there are no barriers to cross, no stories to be told, when there is absolutely nothing left, it is there, pure. It’s how people can meet and get married a week or month later, it’s not something everyone gets the chance to feel, but everyone who has, will always remember and those who haven’t, don’t understand it, or why or how. If you find it, you should hold on tight to it, fight for it, die for it because if you let it go, you may walk distant shores, go on a thousand dates, sleep with more women than you can imagine and never, ever even glimpse it again.

Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow

Moving out across the bay

Like a stone I fall into your eyes

Deep into that mystery

Deep into some mystery

Where does it come from? Where does the eye lock arise form within not just one but two of you? And, as importantly, more importantly perhaps, where does it go when it leaves and can you find it again, will it return, will it ever be there again, or should you give up, settle, move on, forget it, become a monk, a nun, celibate, forget it, cross it out of your mind.

I got half a mind to scream out loud

I got half a mind to die

So I wont ever have to lose you good

Won’t ever have to say good bye

I won’t ever have to lie

Won’t ever have to say good bye

I am not scared of it but I see how one could be. I see. I see. I see how the fire could be too hot, the fluster too strong, the frustration, attraction, I understand, little bit of love, easy, no problem, take it, leave it, use it, lose it, fill my nights with something else, that’s all part of life, of the game.

Please forgive me

If I act a little strange

But when the eyes lock. It gets scary, weird, uncomfortable, it’s when the independence in you wants to run, say no, shut the door, open it, peek inside, flip on the light and slam it tight, don’t get hurt — easier to leave, run away, don’t stay, make an excuse, the timing is wrong, I can’t do this now, maybe we aren’t that compatible after all, it’s probably, could be, just lust, the moon, something I ate, weakness, fatigue, sorry I am just bouncing back, bouncing away I need to put my career first right now, take care of my dog, watch out for sunsets, stay away from walks by the sea, it doesn’t seem right, it’s weird, strange, uncomfortable, I want my calm normal usual love back, the type I can take or leave, the love that feels fine when it’s there and is okay when it’s not, the water over here when you are, it’s too deep, too blue, too clear, too perfect, I can see too far, it feels like I am floating above the reefs below and what if I crash down into them cut, bleeding, dying, what you want me to do, it’s floating, not swimming, I don’t know how to float, where do my hands go, should I breathe, I need to get back to shore, stop holding on, let me go, I can’t hear you, I am not going to answer you, no, don’t, you don’t understand, please understand, I need to get back to solid ground, I can’t control this, what if I leave, what if you leave, what if I had never felt your feet wrap around me as you pull me into you, then I wouldn’t think about it, I can forget, forgive, convince myself I have never known that feeling and it’s better not to know, it’s better not to look, lock, wait see me, I am throwing away the key, there it goes now, I’m sorry, it’s just that it’s late, early, Tuesday, sunny rainy cloudy chance of fog, feels like snow, it’s something anything sorry but, I need to run, look at the time, the day flew by, I have got to go, going, gone.

For I know not what I do

It feels like lighting running through my veins

Every time I look at you

Every time I look at you

I saw David Gray once. She was there.

2 thoughts on “Please Forgive Me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s